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 A publication for Telluride, Colorado. We cover the news that matters. The Telluride Omen

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Walking Dead, Telluride Cemetery to move to Mine Tailings    June 4, 2008

St Mouse County and the Telluride Mountain Village Party Fund (TMVPF) and the Mining Company have agreed to fund and move the Cemetery from the Northside of the road to the South Side of the road to the mine tailing.  "This will give the dead a better view and let them breathe", says Jim Rockocrusher, Mining Superintendant, "they have been in the ground for many years."  County Commissioner Jane Hayfield wants the property for affordable housing, "since Mountain Village is allow 5 star hotels to be built at at rate of three per year, we need to find homes for the 3,000 member workforce needed to service these hotels.  The project will take about three weeks to complete.  Telluride Mayor Stan Freebird is asking for all available citizens in the St. Mouse County, Telluride and Mountain Village to come together to save money and help move the bodies.  Freebird says, "a congo line of volunteers from the existing cemetery to the mine tailings will help move dead bodies fast and save a lot of money."

If the move happens successfully, the Town of Telluride and the TMVPF can move forward in funding over 2,500 affordable housing units on the land the cemetery currently occupies. The TMVPF is funding the project and the Town of Telluride is going the build and have agreed in principle to work as quickly as possible.  Realtors aside, "No realtor will get a commission on any home sales in perpetuity," says Robber Pane, current Telluride Association of Robbers Director.

If you have more questions about the project, please contact the Colorado State Cemetery Relocation Department.

Black Crowes Not to Play At Blues and Brews September 2007

The famed Black Crowes are boycotting the 2007 Telluride Blues and Brews festival due to the implication that homosexuals and staunch Christians won’t be attending this year.

With the lack of gays and bible thumpers in the audience the Black Crows feel there is no point in performing, since the two groups comprise most of their fan base. “How are we to do kick ass covers when people don’t even know who we are, or better yet, won’t appreciate my tight black pants and Jesus hair,” stated lead singer Chris Robinson.

Two separate occasions marked the ban on Telluride: an anti gay march during the Fourth of July parade and a vote to impeach the current president of the United States. These events made Telluride the first town banned by both gays and the fundamental Christians. Known for their thick billfolds and impeccable style, both groups pledged never to return to Telluride. A few
e-mails sent to the Telluride tourism board stated that Telluride is too conservative and liberal.

“The interesting thing about this whole fiasco is that the same people who praised the anti gay hate group and the group’s right to Freedom of Speech are now the same one’s saying we’ve gone to far by stating openly how we feel about the current administration,” stated a town council member, “It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”


Telluride Ski Area Gets a Makeover Due to Global Warming
September 2007

The Telluride Ski Area has stated many times in the last few months that rain will be expected throughout the 2007/2008 ski season. Thus, Ski Area officials are considering making the resort into a water park in an attempt to combat global warming. “We’ve had a rough last couple of years due to the warming of the earth and we think it’s about time to make a few changes,” a ski area official said.

The Ski Area is planning on flooding about 1,367 acres, including some wetlands, to create a wave pool, and 32 slide “Fun Town,” lazy river and lap pool. The entire facility will be covered by a plastic dome, which will remain heated throughout the winter and is retractable during the summer time.

“Telluride will finally have a year round recreation facility and the ski area won’t have to rely on the weather in order to maintain capital,” another ski area spokesman said.

When asked about the environmental implications of the project the official admonished that they would be minimal.

“We have created a committee for just such concerns and they are working on finding ways to relocate the wetlands and even the possibility of using a recyclable plastic for the dome,” he said.

Global warming is an international phenomenon that has put many scientists and individuals in debate over its validity. “We’re preparing for the worst,” the spokesman said, “Al Gore really hit home with his movie and it’s not like there won’t be any terrain left to ski on.”

After the project’s completion, about 400 acres of skiable terrain remain. A proposed flume ride isn’t scheduled for completion until 2012.



Telluride, Colorado-Valley Floor Voting Scandal-Feb. 22, 2006

Although in a vote of over 600 to 400 voted in favor of keeping the Valley Floor development free, there is
controversy concerning the outcome. About half of the town of Telluride turned out to vote on the issue of
“saving” the Valley Floor on Valentine’s Day. But it was later discovered that perhaps votes were sold on
EBay prior to the election, causing a disturbance within the council.

“I consistently search EBay for the best deal on baseball cards,” says Mayor Phon Jryor, “and I came
across four offers for the sale of a Valley Floor vote.”

Alleged votes being sold on EBay are under investigation. But because code names are used when
buying and selling no solid evidence has surfaced. Since the alleged discovery, rumors have surfaced that
many living in the Mountain Village and Ski Ranches paid high prices to vote in the February 14th
election, which they were banned from.

“I’ve lived in Telluride far longer than a lot of the hippie punks that come to here for a few years and
then realize they can’t afford to live here so leave, who were able to vote,” said one Mountain Village
resident. “I should have been allowed to vote. Now I’m saying I bought a vote, but I’m glad someone got
smart. I would have bought the whole election if I wasn’t putting in an Olympic sized swimming pool in my
basement; times are tight.”

Those concerned with the outcome of the election are investigating the sale of votes over the Internet.
Persons thought to have sold their vote are suspected of making anywhere from 100 to 200 dollars.

“People these days use the internet for all kinds of deception,” claimed a Luddite living off of Double
Cabin ski run. “I’m just sorry I didn’t think of it first or I would have taken an ad out in the Daily
Planet.”

So far no contention has been made whether to hold another vote, since only circumstantial evidence
exists. Some believe Neal Blue may be behind the scandal because many of the names on Ebay contained
words like “blueballs bluetakeover” and “aren’tyoublue.”

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Hopes to Creates New Olympic Sport-February 21, 2006


The excitement brought by the Jell-O wrestling featured at Tomboy Coffee Roaster’s a few weeks ago sparked an Olympic dream in some Telluridians. Those
that witnessed the thrashing of five females in a tangy red pool of Jell-O started a petition to implement the sport in the 2010 Olympics.

“Why not Jell-O Wrestling?” stated one of the petition’s forerunners. “The Olympics needs more girl on girl action.”

In this year’s Olympic games men have commented on how hot the women’s hockey team and attractive the women’s curlers are this year. There is evidence that
testosterone may be getting in the way of actual athletic ability, but that is nothing new says one Tellurididian.
 
“We have long awaited for hot female athletes,” he says. “Anna Kournikova started the trend in the 90s, now it’s time for female Olympians to really give us
something to cheer about. A groups of us think Jell-O Wrestling is definitely the answer.”
 
When another man was asked whether he thought athletic integrity would be abandoned if events like Jell-O Wrestling were instituted in the Olympics he had this to say.
 
“Did you go to Tomboy on Monday night? I had a hard on and I wasn’t even in the front row. For years I’ve been teased by those pretty, stuck up ice skaters in
their tight leotards with homosexual partners touching their junk; no one wants to see a gay man touch a woman’s privates. We want to create an opportunity
for athletic enjoyment and not to mention self enjoyment as well.”
 
Jell-O wrestling has not been featured since the Monday evening at Tomboy. But rumors have it that a league is being formed because coaches want to make sure their girls are ready for their 2010 debut.

 
 
Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Ski Patrol Sues Comedy Festival-February 20, 2006
 
This past weekend Telluride experienced four days of pure funny. But on Saturday night the Telluride Ski Patrol claims the Comedy Festival went too far.
Dressed in red one-piece jump suits, the dynamic comic duo, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, took to the stage stating they were members of the Telluride Ski Patrol.
  They made claims stating they were better than everyone else and got laid more than everyone else.
 
“It was a total lie,” cried one Telluride Ski Patrol member. “Just because we get more chicks and are totally awesome at skiing doesn’t mean we think we’re better, sometimes we just are.”
 
Official members of the Telluride Ski Patrol have filed a lawsuit stating “slander,” yet lawyers have advised against suit.
 
“It was a joke, a parody, a spoof,” stated the defense lawyer. “You can’t bring a lawsuit against satire, has anyone ever read the Onion?”
 
Members of the audience voiced that the Ski Patrol skit was one of the best of the weekend and hope for more.
 
“They think they’re better than us, they steal our chicks and they ski all the good lines,” one disgruntled audience member told reporters. “It’s about time someone said something.”
 
Although Huebel made a public statement praising the Ski Patrol as the very people who make the mountain safe for all skiers and riders, the Ski Patrol still wishes to sue for emotional damages.
 
“We bust our asses for all the people on the mountain for $10 an hour and that’s the thanks we get. I’m looking for a hefty settlement because my ego was almost broken,” stated the head of Ski Patrol.
 
 


 
Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Valley Floor To Be a Zoo/Theme Park, Jan. 17, 2006
 
Last night’s meeting at the Sheridan Opera House ended in a break through about the fate of the valley floor. In the end, a decision was reached that a zoo should be erected on the 9% of land that was originally thought to be allocated to a housing development.
 
“We feel a zoo will be better suited for the area,” said the president of SMVC. “Not only will I make my money but the town will be able to accumulate some revenue from those that come to visit the zoo and everyone at the meeting seemed to agree.”
 
After the suggestion was blurted out during the forum many yelled in compliance.
 
“I love animals, why not a zoo!” yelled one citizen. “I’d much rather give the valley floor over to a couple elephants than people.”
 
There was one dissenting opinion amongst the group. The man stood up and spoke about the absurdity of institutionalizing non-native animals on the valley floor.
 
“Giraffes and monkeys do not belong in Telluride, cats and dogs don’t even acclimate well,” spoke the dissenter. “How are we supposed to keep elephants alive at 9000 feet?”
 
The crowd retorted with shouts of “animal hater” and “vegetarian.” But the final straw came when the council decided that if a zoo was to be built why not convert some of the other open space into one huge theme park with pony rides and a Ferris wheel that would be owned solely by the community.
 
The dissenter argued, “I thought this meeting was about how we wanted to preserve the valley floor, but we’re willing to have carnies operate a circus, what is the world coming to?”
 
Popcorn and cotton candy for everyone!
 
Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Local Opens Underground Bowling Alley, Jan 16, 2006
 Many Telluride locals have long said the town needs a bowling alley for alternate recreation from drunken debauchery. Thus, one man has taken matters into his own hands and created Telluride’s newest BowlerRama, but its wareabouts still remain a mystery.
 
“I’ve always dreamed of owning my own business,” said the man who started Telluride’s best kept secret. “And to think that no one in Telluride has thought of opening a bowling alley before.”
 
Actually, there have been reports that many people who move to Telluride have had dreams of owning and operating a bowling alley, but none have had the time or money to do it.
 
“It’s not a pipe dream, especially if you have the right resources,” said the owner of BowlerRama.
 
The Telluride Police Department believes the bowling alley is actually located in one of the homes in Mountain Village. The residents only reside there two weeks out of the year. Police have investigated the scene and found empty beer bottles and a strobe light but no evidence as to whether the items were left by the residents or the trespassers.
 
When asked to comment on the whereabouts of the bowling alley the man told reporters, ”Think of it as a private club, now if I told you it wouldn’t be private anymore now would it.”

Telluride, Colorado-Snow Projected for this Weekend, Jan 6, 2006
Well, what everyone has finally been waiting for is about to come. This weekend the Telluride Ski Resort is expected to receive 15 feet of powder.
 
Since the ski resort opened in November the lack of snow on the mountain has been detrimental to everyone’s self-esteem.
 
“I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I ware myself out each night by dancing naked in hopes to ignite a snowfall,” said one telluride ski bum.
 
On Saturday a shipment of snow is expected to arrive from Alaska.
 
“We were tired of waiting for God to give us snow,’ an executive from the ski resort told reporters. “So we got some guys to hack up an ice burg in the Artic and bring the remains down here.”
 
A line has already started to form in hopes of getting first chair.
 
 
Telluride, Colorado-The Free Box Upgrades, Jan 5, 2006
 
In an effort to revamp parts of town, the Telluride free box is receiving a make over.
The town of Telluride will commission a group of architects to renovate the free box with gold plated siding, and crystal shelving.
 
The town will also pay to place a watchman by the free box. This person’s job will be to inspect all the goods that flow in and out of the area.
 
Signs will be posted which indicate that only new clothing, leather shoes, gold watches and diamond bracelets will be accepted at the free box, and with every pick up a small transfer fee will be applied.
 
“We’re excited for the remodel, it’s long overdue,” said a city council member. “Why not have a free box that is filled with treasure instead of trash? This is not just for the tourists, although we will be cracking down on loitering locals.”
 
The renovation will be completed in June.

 
 
Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Mountain School Instates Sniper Program, Jan 4, 2005
 
The Telluride Mountain School has decided to be one of five schools to incorporate a new Homeland Security initiative. In an attempt to create a more diverse curriculum, President G.W. Bush wants to instate sniper programs into physical education classes across the country.
 
“What better way to train children than by giving them guns at an early age?” said a Mountain School Executive.
 
Along with Telluride, four schools in Texas and one in Kentucky will also be offering the sniper P.E. classes.
In the words of the President, “We need to teach our children to defend themselves against terrorists and in case of nuclurr threat.”
Telluride, Colorado-Locals Pissed, Too Early on the New Year , Jan. 3, 2006
 
Due to a lack of information, Telluride missed the countdown into 2006 by one second. The infraction of time was announced all over the country, but due to the intimacy of the box canyon the information did not make it through the canyon walls.
 
Citizens were pissed when they realized the mistake. “I can’t believe we counted down early!” said one Telluridian. “I feel so stupid.”  The mistake caused a stir on Main when authorities made everyone stop and recount from five, but the damage was already done.   The misinformation made some townspeople question if it mattered that the town didn’t receive news from the outside world.
 
“Who cares if we missed the countdown,” said a local. “It’s Telluride, we make our own countdown.”
Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Marketing Campaign Describes Local Man, Jan. 1, 2006
Ophir woodworker Marty McDonald said he plans to file a trademark infringement lawsuit over the Telluride Ski Resort's new marketing catchphrase, "Rugged. Refined. Real." "That's totally Marty," said his attorney, Dick Mockingale. "People have been using those exact three words to describe him since he moved to the area in the early 1990s."
 The 42-year-old, part-time carpenter appeared with his attorney at a recent press conference to demand the ski area drop their campaign.   McDonald said he was first described as rugged, refined and real by his college buddy and former cabin-mate, Bill Glasblower, on a Sunday afternoon in 1992.
 
 "Bill had just finished something like his 28th Budweiser and he got right up in my face," McDonald recalled. "He says, 'You know what you  are? You really want to know?' "We were sitting at the bar in O'Bannon's. He repeated it four or five
 times, louder and louder until everyone started shouting at him, then he wrote it down on a napkin and stuffed it down my pants. The rest is history."
 
 Ski area officials are dubious of McDonald's claims. "There are no napkins at O'Bannon's," said a resort
 spokesperson. "That's complete nonsense." But former girlfriend Katerina Harding said everyone knows McDonald is all three adjectives personified. Harding regularly washed McDonald's clothes during the three years they shared a yurt
 together. During that time, she said his wash clogged four machines at the laundromat with sawdust and dog fur. She said his Carhart trousers once spontaneously combusted after he accidentally saturated them with paint
 thinner and his homemade Panang curry. "He'd come home from work with the worst B.O., but instead of washing he'd go right out to the wood shed, pick up a chain saw and carve the most exquisite statue of two elk entwined," she said. "You know, he once welded me a complete set of silverware out of scrap metal, including little shrimp forks." Glasblower said his best friend's artistic endeavors belie a down-to-earth sensibility that can only be described as "real."
 
 "When my F150 broke down last spring, he just handed over the keys to his '93 Pathfinder like it was nothing," Glasblower
 said. "Dude, that Pathfinder has like 235,000 miles on it!" McDonald said he would consider a settlement with
 the ski area if they feature his likeness in advertisements and dedicate a new trail in his name that leads through the backcountry to his Ophir cabin. The ski area has so far refused.
"It's only a matter of time before he moves to Rico," said one resort official.

Telluride, Colorado-Realtors Full of Holiday Spirit, Dec. 29, 2005
Telluride realtors want to help those who can’t afford rising housing prices this year. Realtors  realize that m any people who move to Telluride have to leave even if they’d like to settle in town. This is due to the ever expanding housing market.
“I just got married and want to have a baby but we don’t want to raise a child in an apartment. I have a good job here but we can’t afford to live here,” said a Telluride man who just moved to Durango.
Statements like the one above are what drove relators to decide to auction off a few homes in the Telluride area.
“Housing prices are obscene, we know that,” said one realtor. “So, we decided to auction 10 homes for almost nothing.”
The first “house” to go on the auction block is located on the north side of the valley floor as you exit town, right before the Texaco. Starting bid is $50,000.

Telluride, Colorado-Lot 5051 To Be Hooters, Dec. 28, 2005
Mountain Village told Huck Chorning “too little too late.” This is in reference to the recreational center MV planned to build on lot 5051, which was to be allotted by Chorning.
Chorning stated that he was sorry they could not come to a compromise, but that now the lot will be used to house a Hooters Restaurant. 
“A rec. center would have been nice, but a Hooters, even better,” Chorning said. “There were a lot of restaurant chains discussed, but I felt a Hooters would be the most successful.”
The Village is outraged and said they are determined to stop any construction due to the fact that Hooters is a national chain. But Chorning retaliated, “Well, then we’ll just change the name to Hoosters because I’ll own it and the girls will where red shorts, not orange.”
Other Mountain Village residents aren’t sure what to think. “Where will they get the women to employ?” one resident worried. 
Again Chorning retorted, “Why, they will be drawn from all over, but most will come from the strip club that’s being opened in Telluride come March.” 
Construction time on the new Hoosters is projected to commence in February. When asked why some high school students were so excited for the opening one responded by saying, “They’ve got they’ve got the best chicken wings in the country and I don’t even have to show my I.D.”

Telluride, Colorado-Town Closed for New Years Mass , Dec. 27, 2005

In an attempt to save Telluride’s soul, town council, in collaboration with various non-profit organizations, has decided to close down all Telluride locations hosting New Year’s celebrations.

“We are concerned with Telluride’s behavior during these occasions,” says a member of town council. “We have consulted a spiritual advisor and he recommended we condemn all places that promote debauchery.”

The only places open on New Year’s Eve will be the various churches around town. A full schedule and services are located on the doors of such establishments and bars around town.

Mass and liturgies will be delivered hourly throughout the day. 

Telluride, Colorado-Santa Mistaken As a Burglar, Christmas Delayed, Dec. 26, 2005

Due to the mistake of a Telluride local, many boys and girls awoke and found no gifts from Santa Clause beneath their Christmas tree this year. At around two on Christmas Eve night, Telluride police received a call that a fat man had broken into a house on the east side of town.

“There was very little description of the possible intruder,” said the Telluride police chief. “We told the owner of the home to stay put until back up arrived, obviously he didn’t.”

After the phone call to police the owner crept down the stairs of his two-story home with a baseball bat in hand, surprising the intruder.

“I could only see him from behind. I thought he was stealing the presents, not giving us more,” cried the man.

The man laid Santa out with several blows to the back and one to the skull. Police arrived on the scene and assessed the situation.

“It seemed that Santa entered the home through the chimney and was placing candy in all the stalkings when Mr. Doe took him out from behind,” said the police chief.

Santa Clause was rushed to the emergency room. He received over a hundred stitches and was released Christmas morning.

“It’s just getting too dangerous for me,” Santa told reporters. “This was the sixth incident in two years. I don’t know if I can continue bringing presents to good little boys and girls if no one is going to trust a man in a red suit who creeps into homes Christmas Eve night and drives eight tiny, flying reindeer, what is the world coming too?”

Telluride, Colorado-Library Board Retreaters Kicked Out of Vegas , Dec. 23, 2005
 
The Telluride library board was set to spend four days and three nights in Las Vegas this year for their annual retreat but was sent home early. After receiving complaints from several hotel patrons, the Hard Rock Hotel was forced to send the library board packing.
“They were simply out of control,” said the hotel manager. “I mean, I’ve seen lots of things before, but this was apprehensible.”
A few library board members decided to read in between hands at various black jack tables. They were told to put their books away many times by not only the dealers but by fellow black jack players.
“They were a total buzz kill,” said one black jack player. “They threw my game off, especially when one started to read aloud.”
The group was told that the Hard Rock Hotel was not that kind of place and were asked to leave the tables. The board members refused and a scuffle began.
“Everyone turned on us,” claimed one of the library board members. “They started throwing chips and screaming profanities, but the real disgrace came when they took my Grapes of Wrath and tore it to shreds; I started swinging.”
The library board claims they are victims of anti-bibliophiles and will be suing the hotel for discrimination. 
“One should be able to read a book whenever and wherever they want,” said a board member. “They’ll be hearing from our lawyers.”
Telluride,Colorado-Hog Dog Eating Record Under Controversy, Dec. 22, 2005
At this year’s Telluride holiday bash an all time hot dog eating record was set. Yet, the title is under scrutiny by some who believe the man cheated because his dogs were made of tofu.
“Tofu dogs hold a softer consistency than real hot dogs,” a judge for the contest told reporters, “therefore, they are much easier to consume and digest. He had an unfair advantage.”
The man who won was said to have switched his “real” dogs with the tofu ones he brought from home. No one realized the switch until after the contest.
“Everyone at work knows I’m a vegetarian; I always travel with my own dogs,” said the man. “They’ll have to fight me if they want to revoke my title, I’ve been waiting for this event all year.”
The man consumed over 42 dogs in a period of 15 minutes. He used the classic technique of hot dog eating professionals by dipping each bun into water followed by a four in a half inch wiener.” 
“He should totally get to keep his crown,” said a fellow employee. “He blew the competition out of the water by like 12 dogs. Tofu or not he’s a champ, they’re just jealous.”
The employee will go before the office board on Monday where they will decide his fate.

Telluride, Colorado-A Few Bad Beavers Threaten Population, Dec. 21, 2005
A serious of recent attacks on dogs and small children has provoked a town council meeting over a persistent beaver problem. Citizens are concerned with how large some of the beavers residing in the Alta Lakes area have become. In recent months, two beavers as large as Golden Retrieves have been spotted. 
“Complaints from tourists and local residents have been escalating,” said the county Marshall. “Just last week a couple was snow shoeing with their small terrier who went missing. We found its collar by one of the dams.”
Another family reported their children had been attacked while skipping stones. “There were two of them,” the mother said. “We weren’t sure what kind of animal they were. They weren’t the cute beavers we’re used to, but mutated beasts that snarled and chased us for a quarter of a mile.”
Beaver experts were called in to evaluate the problem. It was first thought that perhaps these beavers got into one of the toxic pools up around Tomboy mine. “But that doesn’t explain the aggressive behavior,” one of the experts told town council. “These size of these creatures is alarming, they’re definitely not from around here.”
The experts believe the beavers may be from a rare breed of Indonesian Fighting Beaver, thought to have gone extinct in the late 19th century, but more and more frequently have been seen outside of Jakarta. 
“These beavers are large, excessively hairy and dangerous,” cautions the town Marshall. “We are asking everyone to take great precaution when traveling by foot around the Alta Lakes.”
 
The question still remains on how to weed out the bad beavers from the good. Methods discussed were trapping, quiet coxing and dynamite.

Telluride, Colorado-Valley Cows May Be Displaced, Dec. 20, 2005
Last Thursday, Telluride Town Council and the San Miguel Valley Corporation reached an agreement on the future development of the south side of the valley floor, but no agreement was reached on the fate of the valley cow.   
“Although a bare minimum of land will be developed I worry that my cows that reside here during the warmer months will be affected,” a farmer told reporters who sat in on the meeting.  
A proposal has been drafted to displace the valley cow to Town Park by local farmers and residents. In a measure called “Operation Save the Cow” citizens came up with a plan to incorporate the cows into most Town Park recreation activities.
“There are so many events in Town Park over the summer we thought adding an attraction like the valley cow would be a great marketing move,” said a member of the Telluride Tourism Board. “Why we could have cow rides, pin the tail on the cow, cow tipping--the southerners in town really like that one-, but just think of the possibilities.”
The decision to move the cows must be unanimously approved by town council and the tourism board; currently, both sides are on the fence. 

Telluride, Colorado-Santa Clause Caught Drunk on the Job, Dec. 19, 2005
Santa Clause lost his job after last Friday's Mountain Village celebration. Santa Clause was caught drinking from a tube hidden in his beard. The tube was siphoning alcohol located in a flask in his boot. Each time Santa laughed his jolly laugh the mechanism would trigger, sending him a shot of whiskey.
“It was actually quite an apparatus,” said a police officer. “I mean, think of the engineering that went into creating something of that caliber.”
“I thought something smelled funny when Santa first arrived,” claimed a MV association member. “He claimed it was his after shave. It just shows you, you can’t trust anyone these days, not even Santa Clause."
A concerned parent was the one who discovered Santa’s secret. After visiting Santa, her child claimed he smelled like “Daddy during Super Bowl Sunday.” Swift action was taken and Santa was escorted off the premises. Police told onlookers that Santa was desperately needed back at the North Pole.  
“Those poor children,” said another association member. “Their last recollection of Santa Clause was his slurring of “ho, ho, ho" as his attempted to run from police.”
Next year all Santas working in the Mountain Village and Telluride area will be forced to take a breathalyzer before putting on the red suit.

Telluride, Colorado-Gondolas For Rent, Dec. 14, 2005

The town of Telluride will be renting out gondola cars this ski season. Due to the lack of affordable housing in the Telluride area the town of Telluride is allowing 30 gondola cars to be rented out each night between the hours of midnight and seven a.m.   
“Renting out gondola cars will help facilitate many workers that can’t always shuttle to and from work each day,” says a town council member. “It’s sort of like a Motel 6, but without all the frills.”
You can rent a gondola car for $20 dollars a night. You must bring your own blankets and create your own heat; each additional person is $5 dollars. Showering facilities will not be provided. A spokesperson for the proposal indicated that those who choose to sleep in a gondola car for an evening probably doesn’t worry too much about hygiene anyway. 
“We’ve already had requests for month long rentals,” the spokesperson said. “We should be charging double just for the sake that gondola dwellers will have some of the best mountain views in Telluride; who cares about showers.”

Telluride, Colorado-Golf Course Becomes a Parking Lot, Dec. 14, 2005
Due to recent construction projects, parking in Mountain Village is scarce. In a city council meeting yesterday Telluride Ski and Golf Company proposed turning the golf course into a winter parking lot.  
“We plan to section off holes one through eight to accommodate the amount of cars that come to the Mountain Village each day,” says a spokesperson for the ski resort.
The planned renovation will cost $100 per day and car owners will be shuttled to work via golf cart.
“Our rates are competitive with that of Mountain Village,” the spokesperson told reporters. “Two dollars an hour for parking is ridiculous, but if they can do it so can we.”
Council members were concerned about the use of golf carts to shuttle people to and from the village core.
“Golf carts are highly unsafe,” says a council member. “What happens when the snow and ice is just too much? Plus there’s no heat in those things.”
The spokesperson from Telski said that each golf cart would be equipped with snow chains and a few blankets. “I’m tired of people winning,” he said. “We are trying to provide a service for the employees of Mountain Village and all people due is whine, whine, whine.”

Telluride, Colorado-Tomboy Mine Re-Opened , Dec. 13, 2005

The county commission has decided to reopen the Tomboy mine for blasting. “There is so much coal that we haven’t even laid into,” says the county commissioner. “We need the coal to cut down on our high energy costs.”
With the blasting will come a coal powered electricity plant at the top of Bridal Vial Falls. The waste from the plant will be dumped into the falls and swept down river. “It’s actually a very efficient way to discard waste,” the commissioner said. “Ever hear of the term “not in my back yard?”’
The waste will be swept down the San Miguel River into Norwood. Norwood residents oppose the project, but there is little they can do to stop the mine from reopening. “If there is anything we’ve learned from history it’s that large energy corporations always prevail,” said a spokesperson for the mine. “We have ties in Washington, it doesn’t get any stronger than that.”
Overall the citizens of Telluride do not oppose the project as long as energy costs go down and the pollution is swept down stream. The real estate agents in the area are excited because after the land is blasted, the mountains can be flattened and developed into two bedroom condominiums.
 

Telluride, Colorado-Bear Family Rides Gondola, Dec. 12, 2005

A family of brown bears rode the gondola yesterday without any complications. At 10 a.m. the bear family climbed into one of the gondola cars. Gondola operators were unsure what to do so they allowed the bear family to proceed. When the gondola arrived at the San Sophia Station a gondola operator asked if they were going down or getting out; they indicated they wanted to continue to Mountain Village.
“There were four of them, two cubs, a mom and dad. I treated them like any other passengers; just as I was taught to do,” said the gondola operator.
The bear family got off at Mountain Village and headed into the forest. On lookers watched as the family pilled out of the car and were careful not to leave any trace except for a few hairballs.
“They were really considerate and even rode in a pet designated gondola car,” another lift operator told reporters. “It’s a long way to walk from Telluride to Mountain Village, it’s really cool they thought to take the gondola, that’s what it’s here for.”
Human and bear interaction has increased in recent years. “Bears are not as scared of humans as they used to be,” says a bear expert. “Behavior like riding the gondola is nothing out of the ordinary.”
As bears continue to interact with humans they are expected to emulate human behavior. A few restaurants in town plan on making a “bear friendly” menu for when the ever expanding bear population decides that elk and fish are better eaten cooked than raw.  
“It’s nice to see that bears and humans can coexist peacefully,” says the bear expert. “But remember, they can still rip your head off in one swoop, so don’t get too close.”

Telluride, Colorado-No More Crying Over Lost Pets, Dec. 10, 2005

The hottest gift card to buy this holiday season in Telluride is being offered by the local taxidermy. Come Christmas hundreds of former pet owners will be able to adorn their beloved Fido, Scooter or Lucy around their head, neck or hands.
“Now Telluride dog lovers don’t have to say good by to their faithful pet, they can keep him, or her, close at all times,” says the taxidermy. “I am offering to turn those pets that have passed away into any accessory the owner might wish.”
Tuck, the taxidermy, has already sold over 200 gift cards ranging from $50 to $1000 dollars. “It really depends on the size of the dog,” he says. ‘Obviously you can’t make a coat out of a small schnauzer, but a husky, now that will keep you warm for the winter.”
Tuck is also offering to do cats too, but he prefers canines. “Cats just suck,” he says. “They’re just too prissy.
 

Telluride, Colorado-Noel Night Out of Control, Dec. 8, 2005

Last night during Telluride’s “Noel Night” two holiday shoppers got into a scuffle over a pair of deer skin gloves. The two became disgruntled when a man claimed the gloves had been stolen from him. “The argument began after one man had been looking at the gloves and put them back,” said the shop clerk. “Then some guy came out of no where and grabbed the gloves with an intent to purchase, happens all the time."
The man that had put the gloves back claims the other guy snatched the gloves from his hand and pushed him out of the way. “On the way to the register I tripped the guy and pounced on top of him, I wanted those gloves,” he said.
“It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on Noel Night,” said a shopper. “It reminded me of when women used to punch each other over those ugly troll looking Cabbage Patch dolls.”
When the store manager was finally able to pull them apart the guy drew a knife, backed to the register and purchased the gloves. “The man I was holding back started screaming obscenities and then started to cry,” the manager told reporters. “I told him we had other gloves in the back but we didn’t have any more in yellow. It’s really hard to see a grown man cry.”
A police report was taken, but no one had seen the guy with the knife before. He is described as medium build, brown hair with a brown beard. Police believe he should be easy to find. 

Telluride, Colorado-Dave Mathews Comes to Town, Dec. 7, 2005

Dave Mathews Band plans to play at the Sheridan Opera House for a 2006 New Year’s celebration. The town of Telluride is excited about having such a large name band play in its fair town. “I mean it’s one thing to have Sam Bush in town, but Dave Mathews, now that’s talent,” said the manager of the Opera House.
The show will be free to all girls who come topless and $85 for everyone else. According to the band’s manager they will be playing one full set comprised of only Christmas covers. “We will be recording the tunes live to sell as a CD compilation and so that the songs can be used in various television commercials,” said their manager.
Tickets can be bought on ticketmaster.com only. The show will start at 11 p.m. and end promptly at 12:01 a.m. Those that run the Opera House told reporters they thought the set was a little short for the price of the ticket. “Due to the altitude we’re just worried the band may not make it more than an hour,” the band manager said. “But remember, that’s what the live recording is for - patrons can purchase the CD on their way out for $39.95.”

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Rejects the Idea That Santa Isn't Real, Dec. 6, 2005

In a pole distributed by the Daily Planet, 78% of Telluridians think Santa Clause is real. The pole has outraged many townspeople and a committee formed in order to ensure that the validity of Santa Clause is kept alive.
The head of “Believe in Santa” told reporters, “We are tired of our news papers lying to us. Therefore we have begun our own publication in order to get out the truth.” The publication reaches about 30 homes and includes articles denouncing evolutionism and praising the efforts of celebratologists.
The post office has been flooded with letters headed to the North Pole since the outcome of the pole was announced. “I totally disagree with the pole,” said a post office employee. “Every year we send thousands of letters up North with no returns and every year Telluride children receive what they asked for. How can you argue with that kind of evidence?”
The pastor of the Catholic Church praised the town’s dedication to believing in something they've never seen. “The pole tells us a lot about the people in this town,” he says. “Now, if there were only those kind of believers in my congregation.”
Other questions in the pole asked, “Who was Jesus?” Fifty-eight percent of pollsters answered C – a fictional marketing tool developed by retailers to sell more Easter eggs and candy.

Telluride, Colorado- Mountain Village Pair Sets Record Price For Fake Van Gogh, Dec. 5, 2005

A couple dining at Allred's has agreed to buy the mural of "Starry Night" hanging in the San Sophia Gondola station for $500,000. Art enthusiasts agree it's the highest price ever paid for an obviously imitation Van Gogh.
Long considered the Dutch expressionist's masterpiece, and the crowning mural of the top-most gondola station, "Starry Night" was re-created by local middle school students with considerable help from their art teacher. The Mountain Village Metro District will use the proceeds of the sale to finally wallpaper the entrance to Allred's and disinfect the pet-friendly gondola cabins.
The couple that bought the mural asked to remain anonymous. However, the pair own a second home in Mountain Village and said the mural will be installed in its 3,000-square foot mudroom. "It's time to move beyond the whole 'stuffed grizzly and elk antler' look," explained the proud new owner. "Navajo rugs are so 1997."
Noting that the original "Starry Night" measures 29 by 36 inches and is considered priceless, they described their over-sized imitation as a "real steal."

Telluride, Colorado-American Idol Comes to Telluride, Dec. 2, 2005

Fox Network’s hit television series American Idol will be in Telluride over the weekend. The show’s producers are looking for the next pop super star and think Telluride has some great talent. A line outside of Big Daddy’s restaurant and bar is already forming. Currently, there are three people waiting to be the next singer sensation. 
“I have always wanted to be a super star and I know every move to Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract”, that’s the song I’ll be singing and performing,” says one girl in line. 
The mayor of Telluride is not excited about American Idol coming to town. “They promote bad music and silly people,” he says. “I just hope that if someone from town gets on the show they don’t say they’re from here.”
When further investigated the other two people waiting in line at Big Daddy’s thought it was line for beer, they want nothing to do with American Idol. One of the men told reporters that he heard the girl that’s actually waiting to be on the show sing at
open-mic night last Sunday. “She sucked so bad she was booed off the stage,” he said.
Good luck!

Telluride, Colorado-Couple Caught Having Sex In Gondola, Dec. 1, 2005

A couple was caught last night with their pants down, literally, while riding the Gondola. Just minutes before the Gondola’s last rotation for the evening, two unidentified 20-somethings surprised Gondola operators with a peep show. 
“I guess they just got caught up and forgot they were almost at the end of the line,” laughed one operator. “The were butt naked, and when I say butt, I mean , we saw everything.”
The two continued their orgasmic plight even as one of the operators approached their gondola. When the doors opened they rolled out and ran for cover.
“They wrapped themselves in the free blankets available to gondola passengers and just took off,” a gondola employee said. 
No one knows who the couple was and the San Sophia Station has not seen the blankets returned. Chief gondola operator says that people having sex in the Gondola is nothing new. 
“This has happened before,” the head gondolier told reporters. “Hell, I do it if my wife was into that kind of thing."
 

Telluride, Colorado-Ski Resort BulldozesMountain Village, Nov. 30, 2005

The Telluride Ski Resort scored a C on its environmental exam this year. Thus, the ski resort has passed a measure to bull doze Mountain Village in order to make room for a few furry friends that have not been seen in this region for years.

“By this time next year we have decided to bull doze all of Mountain Village ,” says a top executive at the resort. “Who needs hotels that employ locals, who needs shops and restaurants that cloth and feed hungry visitors? And let us not forget the extravagant pieces of property up there that many people call home; they’ve all got to go.”

Surprisingly, many Mountain Village residents are not opposed to the plan. “I think creating more open space is great. I’m really getting sick of living in a house that’s large enough to fit half of Nevada inside,” says one resident.  

“I just think it’s a great thing giving up my home,” a MV second homeowner told reporters. “Everything that I’ve worked hard for, all of my possessions, as long as the Colorado Mountain Plover is safe I don’t mind.”

The ski resort is telling all homeowners and renters to pack their belongings and be out before next January.

“We’re thinking about conservation and environment in this decision,” says a ski resort employee. “We realize that if the land is given back to nature the sage grouse and the lynx could be reintroduced into San Miguel County. Not to mention the Siberian tiger, the Wooly Mammoth and perhaps a baboon population that has not been seen around these parts for centuries.”
 

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Yoga Under Investigation, Nov. 29, 2005

Telluride yoga centers are under investigation for being apart of an underground drug ring. The DEA has been staking out various yoga classes throughout town. They have questioned yoga participants and have searched the homes of many yoga instructors throughout the area. 
“We were tipped off when one of our agents visited a yoga class here this summer,” the chief investigator told reporters. “She became suspicious when an odd fragrant herb was used during the session in which she passed out and awoke in a drug induced state.”
Many of the yoga instructors in Telluride burn incense and use lavender filled bags to sooth the eyes at the completion of each class. 
“It was after my instructor blinded me with an eye bag that she hypnotized the entire class through what she called "aromatherapy." Before I knew it I blacked out.” said the agent who started the investigation. “When I woke I was energetic and my eye sight was hazy. Everyone around me was in the same state and it seems that everyone in town is the same way.”
The DEA believes yoga instructors are conspiring to control the population through hypnotic drugs in order to maintain full classes.   
“I think these yoga instructors are drugging their clients in order to ensure their return,” said the chief investigator. “Why else would people continually pay and return to a place just to stretch, something they could do at home?” 
The agents believe that yoga instructors are able to manipulate their clients even when at home by selling their drugs with deceptive labels.
“They’re selling their product under the deception that they’re “therapeutic.” These poor people don’t even know what’s happening to them. It’s sick and we’re determined to put a stop to such infernal activity,” declared the chief investigator.
Various agents have been sent in to purchase such products, but so far the DEA has come up empty handed.

 

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Opens Strip Club, Nov. 28, 2005

The town of Telluride has decided to incorporate the sex trade into the town’s economy. A new strip club is scheduled to open on Pine Street by Christmas. The operation has been in discussion since the 80’s and the ordinance was finally granted last weekend. 
“Telluride has had strip clubs in the past and once contained a red light district. The sex industry will help Telluride’s economy grow. Plus it will provide employment opportunities,” says one city council member. “We will even be offering a scholarship program for many of the girls that work there.”
There are almost 7000 people living in San Miguel County alone. The male to female ratio in the region is about 60/40 although many men would claim that the ratio is more like 80/20.
“We recognized that there are many sexually frustrated men within the community who need a little release. And if we can facilitate that little glimpse of booty for a small fee, both parties will come out satisfied,” says another council member.
The strip club will be run and regulated by the town. Local girls are invited to dance at the club, but a vast majority of the strippers will be imported.

Telluride, Colorado-Tofu Turkey Actually Meat, Nov. 25, 2005

Someone wanting to play a joke on Telluride vegetarians during Thanksgiving packed grocery stores with tofu turkeys that were actually made of turkey. The switch was only discovered after the turkey was gone and no one threw up.
“Every year Uncle Edger pukes from eating our Tofurkey, but this time he asked for seconds,” declared a distraught vegetarian. “That was our first clue something wasn’t right.”
Many of the vegetarians that did face meat for the first time this Thanksgiving did not want to comment. We found out later it was because even after realizing the turkey wasn’t tofu they ate the meat anyway.
“My cousin has been a vegetarian all his life,” laughed a relative of a local resident. “But I have never seen anyone gnaw on a bone like Derek did. You’d think he’d been fasting for the last 20 years.”
Grocery store managers are worried that this newfound love for meat means they will not be able to supply the demand. “It’s kind of scary what tasting the sweet goodness of death will do to the taste buds,” said one store manager. “We’ve stocked our coolers with extra slabs of raw beef and some fatty chicken wings but the only thing that we ran out of early and that’s really hard to get is cow tongue.”
A cash reward is being offered to anyone who has information leading to the “fowl play” that occurred over the Thanksgiving holiday.
“All I know is that I would gladly shake the hand of whomever it was that made this the best damn Thanksgiving I’ve ever had in Telluride!” professed Uncle Edger.
 

Telluride, Colorado-Deer and Elk "Take Back the Roads" , Nov. 24, 2005

The local deer and elk population plans to march in protest down Colorado Ave. in an effort to "Take Back the Roads."
At their annual Elk Club meeting, hundreds of deer and elk got together to discuss the latest atrocities that have faced many of their community members. "Jed, Sue and Scott all died last week due to automobile accidents," said the head Buck. "Something must be done, enough is enough!"
The group plans to organize picketers and a sit-in at the courthouse on Saturday. Their goal is to cut down on road construction within San Miguel County and to reduce the speed limit throughout the valley and up through Mountain Village to five miles per hour.
We realize that both development and nature must coexist in order to be taken seriously." one Elk Club member said. "We think this is only fair considering for hundreds of years we’ve pretty much kept quiet while large bulldozers have destroy our land."
Any human that wants to join the Elk Club’s plight is more than welcome. The march is scheduled to meet at 7:00 a.m. on Saturday beneath the big tree.
 

Telluride, Colorado-Telski Offices Empty, Town Curfew Issued, Nov 23, 2005

Due to the lack of snow fall Telluride Ski and Golf Company has gone underground. As of eight o’clock last night the entire company locked its doors, boarded up windows and none of the top executives can be found.

100,000 tourists are expected to arrive in Telluride tomorrow for opening day. They were promised a 40-inch base and three feet of fresh powder, but un-benounced to them the only powder that will be found is packed and artificially made. 

“We can’t be held responsible for what happens tomorrow,” reads a note attached to the outside of the Telski offices. “Nature has screwed us.”

It is uncertain what will occur when those that spent a lot of money to get here don’t find snow. There could be riots, fires and possibly harsh words exchanged. The city has issued an all day curfew. 

“We fear the worst,” says the county sheriff. “We’re cautioning residents to stay in doors. If they venture out we will not be coming to their aid.”

The town’s municipal authorities have decided to put up road blocks at the entrance to town with signs that read “Telluride Closed ” hoping the tourists will just turn back.

Telluride Ski and Golf Company employees are believed to be taking refuge at the Montrose Wal-mart, the safest place on earth.   
 

Telluride, Colorado-Man Almost Looses Vital Part in Freak Accident, Nov. 22, 2005

A man trying to pee on some deer beneath the gondola was rushed to the hospital yesterday and finally revived after six hours. The man, 47, was riding in the gondola by himself a little past 11:30 a.m. After spotting some deer on Telluride Trail the man decided to circle again; we are uncertain what his exact intentions were.
“He’s always hated deer, ever since we were young,” says a close friend of the man. “He was once attacked by a rabid pack while hiking.”
As the man came upon the herd he straddled the two seats with his zipper down ready to spray when the gondola suddenly stopped. The G forces thrust the man into the small window capturing his tallywacker in-between the glass.  
When the man arrived at the top of the San Sophia Station the gondola operators were horrified at the sight. “We weren’t sure what to do so we all started to laugh until he started wailing in pain,” says a mountain employee. “A poor family of four was just passing through from lunch. It was chaos. I definitely think the children will suffer mental damage because of this.”
The gondola was shut down for a couple of hours as paramedics rushed to the man’s rescue. “He was starting to pass out by the time we got there, which probably would have meant the end for the little guy,” one paramedic says. “But thank goodness he will be okay, just a lot of heavy bruising.
 

Telluride, Colorado-Girl Cited for Public Disturbance , Nov. 21, 2005

Over the weekend a woman was kicked out of a Telluride bar for creating a public disturbance. She was told never to return if she was to act in such a manner again. “It was disgraceful, “ said a man who witnessed the act, “she was dead sober.”
The bartender warned her several times to start drinking or get out, but her reluctance not to drink persisted. “She just sat there, for, like, three hours, with only water. It totally freaked me out,” said another man. 
Men began buying her drinks and setting them in front of her, but she would push them away and shake her head. “It was so rude. She wasn’t even that cute,” said a patron. 
As more drinks were wasted, those that bought her the beverages became angry and agitated. “She was upsetting my regulars so I asked her to leave. It’s one thing to come to a bar and order water, but to just sit there and not talk to anyone, come one, ” the bartender told reporters.
Shortly after eleven the woman was escorted out onto the sidewalk with little objection. The whole bar erupted in cheers as the women sulked away. A round of shots was ordered in her memory.
The woman was not available for comment
 

Telluride, Colorado-Telski Calls for Resident’s Ice Cubes, Nov. 18, 2005

Telluride Ski and Golf Company is asking all residents to donate ice cubes to help in the snow making process. The ski resort is scheduled to open next week for the Thanksgiving holiday, but the mountain still remains patchy on most slopes.  
Telski thinks that for the next six days if all Mountain Village and Telluride residents would empty their ice trays and bring them to lift four it will help make the ground cold enough to allow the snow they blow stick. 
“In the town of Telluride alone there are over 2000 residents. And in each house there is an average of two ice cube trays per freezer. A typical tray can hold 14 cubes. So that’s about 112,000 ice cubes,” a spokesperson for Telluride Ski and Golf calculates. “A few times a day for six days, that’s a lot of cubes.”
Many locals worried about a ski-less winter have dedicated themselves to help in any way possible. The Atmospheric Frozen Water Vapor Coalition has organized a Snow Dance, scheduled to take place on Saturday in the middle of Mountain Village Plaza at midnight. AFWVC predicts at least 300 people will show. The dance will be followed by a two day beer only fast. 
Telski says the outpour of help from the surrounding community is wonderful. “Everyone is so giving. People are ready to take the time out from their day to bring us their ice cubes, cubes they would otherwise use to chill their margaritas or other alcoholic beverages. Now that’s giving,” the spokesperson says.  
El Niñito, El Nino’s younger brother, is to blame for the lack of snow throughout southwestern Colorado. In fact, if you ever want to blame something for everything you can’t explain, it’s probably El Niñito, bastard!
 

Telluride, Colorado-Airport Runway Expands to Main Street, Nov. 17, 2005 

Due to the heavy air traffic Telluride will receive during the upcoming holiday season, Colorado Avenue will be closed for scheduled landings and takeoffs. Airline ticket sales are up this year and the current Telluride airport is not equipped to receive the excess air traffic. “The only way to get the tourists in here is to allow planes to land on Main Street,” said Telluride and Montrose Regional Air director Spot Stanward.  
The town is divided over how they feel about the boost in tourist traffic within the area. Picketers have demonstrated their anger at transforming Main into a runway. “Who needs tourists?” One picketer yells. “They just pollute our town with their fur coats and loads of money!” 
With the record level snow fall of last season, hotel bookings and long waits at restaurants will see a large increase this season. “The more visitors that come to Telluride the better. They are what keep our economy going. People who live in Telluride rely on tourists to come and spend money; and for the men, it brings hope of finally getting laid,” says a town council member. 

Closing down Main Street is seen as impractical and a nuisance to many locals who use the strip to get to and from work each day. But aside from being delayed when driving through town, they are also worried about the impact landing a jet-fueled plane will have on the surrounding buildings. But Stanward says, “The only planes allowed to land on Main are very small, some even smaller than many of the SUVs people drive around here.”
Main Street, or Colorado Ave by its legal name, will be closed starting Thanksgiving Day and over the weekend. Stanward tells residents to use alternate routes during these dates. He also says to use caution because the town of Telluride can only afford to plow Main Street during these times; all other streets may be covered in dangerous ice.  
“We need everything to look and suit the needs of the tourists,” Stanward comments. “We can’t have an icy run way, thus the back roads will have to suffer for a few days. The locals will just have to deal with it.”
 

Telluride, Colorado- Roundabout Seen As Death Trap,Nov. 16, 2005
 
There was a 50-car pile up in Telluride’s newest addition to curb traffic problems within the town. The roundabout, which is still under construction at teh edge of town, was deemed by many as “costly and a death trap.” That mood was reiterated last night as one by one cars climbed on top of each other due to the mistake of one unsure motorist. “We just weren’t sure how to get out of there, it was so confusing,” exclaimed the motorist who is blamed for the massive collision. 

For over an hour the man and his family circled through the roundabout. Each time there seemed to be an opening the man would try to merge his blue Honda Civic into the outer lane, only to be pushed back inside and made to circle again. 

“It was the scariest hour of my life,” cried his wife. “Thank god the children are alright.” No one was seriously injured in the accident, although four people were taken to the hospital due to mental breakdowns.

“I just don’t see why they had to build it. What if something like this happens again?” Complained a bystander who adamantly opposed the roundabout during its conception. “I don’t even drive anymore because of this thing. Look at it, how are we suppose to learn how to work one of those? This isn’t London, it’s god damn America! We like straight lines and straight people!”

The idea of placing a roundabout at the edge of town was to help with the traffic that builds up in front of Telluride High School when parents drop off and pick up kids. Although millions complained about the hundred-billion dollar project it is scheduled to commence by December 2083.  

What’s next? Condos and a golf course on the south side of the Valley floor? 

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Goes Corporate, Nov. 15, 2005

The town of Telluride has witnessed a number of corporate enterprises residing within the valley walls this past year. Aside from Womack publishing selling the Daily Planet and other Colorado newspapers to Liberty Group Publishing, Inc. of Northbrook, Ill and First National Bank being bought by Alpine Bank of Glenwood Springs, McDonalds has plans to build a two story restaurant on Main Street.
McDonalds executive Jim Skimmer told reporters that it was after he attended Telluride’s Oktoberfest this fall that he decided the town would be a perfect spot to sell a Quarter Pounder with cheese. " It was amazing to witness the joy a few hot dogs being shoved down people’s throats brought to the crowd," he said. " If they get that excited over a highly processed piece of pig hooves and cow parts imagine how gitty they’d be with a Quarter Pounder with cheese!"
Skimmer did indicate that he was a bit skeptical about how thin and healthy the population seemed, but it didn’t worry him. "Within a year the people of Telluride will realize that quick, fatty and greasy is far better than slow, home cooked and organically grown." In fact, Skimmer told reporters that they have created a veggie burger and tofu chicken nuggets to compete with Clark’s and Village Market. Although, the veggies and tofu would be soaked in pig fat before being deep fried.   
He also said that the other restaurants in town would not have to worry about competitive prices. McDonalds of Telluride promises to keep the prices leveled at market value. Thus, a small fry will be $5.99 and a kids meal around $10.00, the toy is two dollars extra.
When asked whether he was worried the town of Telluride would fight to keep the food chain from entering the community Skimmer again voiced that he was not concerned. " We’ve already seen some changes why with the banks and all, and need I remind you that McDonalds is a multi-billion dollar food chain?" Skimmer laughs. "We have so much money we could buy the whole town and make it one big greasy hamburger factory. You just wait, in a year, they’ll all be eating out of the palm of my hand."
    
 

Telluride, Colorado-Telluride Liquor Store No More , Nov. 14, 2005

The owner of Telluride Liquors on Main Street had decided that the beer and wine business is just not for him. On December 1st the store will be opened to the public at which time they can purchase alcohol for a quarter until all overhead is gone from the shelves.  
The owner of the liquor store decided a pet shop is far more suitable for his taste and wants the store to be reopened in time for the arrival of the baby seals and beavers he plans to sell. “I have done a lot of research and in many countries around the world the sale of beavers and baby seals is highly lucrative, far more than the sale of alcohol,” he claims.
Baby seals and beavers are not typical household pets, but this does not bother the future owner of “Pets and Pelts.” He told reporters that his animals weren’t necessarily bought for the purpose of companionship. “All animals have to die sometime, “ he says. “If my customers choose a nice beaver or seal pelt hat and gloves over a cuddle buddy that’s their choice once they leave the store.”
Public outcry from locals has been almost obsolete. In fact, many exclaimed their excitement over having baby seals in town. When asked how they thought a baby seal would survive at 9000 feet with no large body of sea water in sight one voiced, “Dude, baby seals are cool.”
   
* These stories are completely un-true and don't represent the opinions of the writers, so don't get your panties in a bind.